TRIGGER I wish I was safe at age 16...

I wish my dumb mom divorced my monster dad earlier. I wish she moved us to Canada earlier. I wish I at least tried my chance in shithole Turkey. I wish I made LGBT friends online at age 16 instead of lurking bigoted anti-LGBT Turkish Linux communities and trying to change their minds... Everything is my fault. I can't cope, I'm looking at my photos and voice I just can't cope... I remember how much I wanted to be seen as a girl, I didn't know anything about trans stuff back then but I always wished for "magical" stuff to turn myself into a girl. Somehow I even guessed I can find stuff like that on dark web (turns out I was right after discovering DIY HRT)... I wish I never gave up from being myself, I wish even it was for my safety and future, I wish I just tried idk... I was obsessed with my sexuality but I never ever searched about T of LGBT idk why?! Ughhhh fuck me fuck me fuck me. My dad even tried to kill me in Canada so I wonder what would happen in Turkey even though I had supportive environment somehow. I was also living in an extremely small city which made privacy impossible. I always waited to move to Canada since 2018 and it happened only in 2022 by my force. They neglected me... So many things to say but I won't list everything. Just I'm jealous of other kids since my childhood... I took hrt at age 18 but it's too late. Like I was so fem at age 16. Now I'm 22 and I can't stop crying. I hate my disgusting body. It's destroyed by male puberty... Being feminine doesn't make me happy anymore because I'm never gonna feel "complete"... Fuck therapists and their shitty antidepressants with shitty advices... Their meds made me repress myself. Ugh, I keep surfing 4tran4 because only subreddit that I can %200 relate...

Like imagine having an extremely stupid mom that gets advice from me and can't decide anything on her own? I realized she is stupid in my early childhood. She was even about to divorce my dad at age 7 after I told her so LMAO. Fuck my luck, nobody around me had a cringe family like I had... I was supposed to call the cops in my early childhood. They controlled me via my vulnerability: being Kurdish...