I wouldn't put my johnson on a shared keyboard or mouse for multiple reasons, so therefore I'm not going to type or click anything at work. Checkmate, HR.
My recommendation: buy a base coat. This is a completely clear "polish" that is used for protecting the nail from staining from color polishes. A base coat is great as it's great practice for "the real thing" (i.e. color polishes). Imagine painting a piece of paper with water, that's basically it.
Once you do start with colors, the best advice I can give is to put on a few light coats, not one thick layer. Multiple thin layers will give you a better result.
One more thing: patience and practice. Your first attempt probably won't be great, and that's ok. Keep practicing.
Bread, unquestionably. Cheese is fantastic on its own. Bread kinda depends on the quality of the bread, but I'd prefer any quality cheese over low-quality bread.
Why take personal accountability for one's morals when you can offload it to a paid service?