Hossenfeffer

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 1d ago

No commitment.

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 1d ago

"Daily Mail is pure garbage."

Correct.

8

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 2d ago

Fake. Where are the turtles?

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 2d ago

Depends what you're comparing it to. South west Scotland is where the gulf stream (aka the North Atlantic Current) hits. The sea there is warmer than much of the rest of the coast in the UK except the south west of England for the same reasons. So, not Carribean or Mediteranean levels of warm but enough to be enjoyable in the mid 70s when we had a series of blissful, long summers.

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 2d ago

A story I shared with my kids. Got it off reddit years ago and no longer remember the name of the redditor who posted it (apologies if you're out there!).

--- STORY TIME (I will cry again as I format it for Lemmy (I will cry every fucking time I read it)) ---

The last thing I remember is My Person bringing my to the Sharp Place.

I never understood why My Person would bring me to the Sharp Place. The smells were sharp, and they poked me with sharp things. That's why I called it the Sharp Place. It was a bad place. I didn't like it.

I don't know why My Person brought me there, that day of all days. I already hadn't been feeling good. I'd been throwing up, and my hips hurt and my paws hurt. Even eating grass didn't help. And then My Person brought me to the Sharp Place. I tried to be mad at him, but he seemed so sad about something, so I tried to wag my tail to cheer him up. I didn't even really notice when the Sharp Man poked me.

Then my eyes got heavy and that was the last thing I remember.

Buddy, a voice said. Buddy, wake up.

I opened my eyes and got to my feet, and I realized my paws didn't hurt anymore. I tried a wag, and that was fine, too. I sniffed the air. It smelled like the Play Park and like Our Home and the Car Window. I liked it a lot.

Welcome, Buddy, came the voice again, from behind me.

I turned around, and there was a person there. He wasn't My Person, but he was all safe and good smells, so I trusted him.

Where am I? I said.

You're in the place that Good Boys go, the person said.

I was a Good Boy? I said.

You were a Very Good Boy, he told me.

That was good. I always tried to be a Good Boy. Where's My Person? I asked.

He's still down there, the person said. And he waved his arm and all of a sudden we were in Our Home, and My Person was sitting on the Forbidden Chair and looking sad. Every so often, he'd look over at the Okay Couch, where I was allowed so sit, and his breath would catch because he was very sad. I tried to nuzzle him, but my nose just passed through his hand.

What's happening? I don't understand, I said.

The person sighed. You can't be with him right now, Buddy. I'm sorry. It's the way of things.

I thought about this. So it's like My Person is on the Person Bed, and I'm not allowed there? I said.

Exactly like that, the person said. But he can be with you someday. If you choose to wait for him.

Of course I want to wait for him! I said. Not wait for My Person? Who did this person think he was talking to?

Hold on, Buddy, the person said. He seemed sad about this for some reason. It's not that simple. You have a choice. He got down on one knee and he looked into my eyes. There are bad things in this world, Buddy. Very bad things.

Like Neighbor Cat?

So much worse than her, Buddy. He waved his hand, and I saw what he was talking about. He showed me dark things, that were like snakes and rats, only worse. Worse than the Sucking Machine. Worse than the Sharp Place. They smelled evil.

These are the things that want to hurt him, Buddy. They want to hurt everybody. So you can wait for him, or you can keep him safe. But if you choose to keep him safe, then you can't see him again.

What, never? I said.

The person nodded. Never, Buddy. I'm sorry. Those are the Rules. It's a terrible choice.

I looked at my paws. I didn't want to not see My Person ever again. But I wanted to keep him safe even more.

I know what I have to do, I said, and the person waved his hand, and all of a sudden we were in a place with as many dogs as I have every seen before. More, even.

These are all the Good Boys who chose to keep Their People safe, the person said.

I looked at them all. I couldn't believe it, still. But there's so many of us! I said. How many Good Boys are here?

The person looked down at me. He smiled, but I could tell he was also partly very sad. All of you, Buddy. Every single one.

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 2d ago

My wife's pert arse. Especially when she takes me by surprise with it.

3

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 2d ago

Summer holidays as a kid. Endless summer days - and the days were long too (it didn't get dark until 10 at night) - with nothing to do but play with friends. I grew up in rural SW Scotland, so we had woods, forests, beaches, hills, rivers, streams, farmland etc. at our disposal. Our parents were all at work so we had total freedom - as long as we were home in time for dinner we'd be good. Our bikes were everything, we'd meet up and decide what we were going to do and where we were going to go. Sometimes it would be someone's house for video games (Commodore 64 or Spectrum), or building a camp in the woods, or fishing at a stream up in the Galloway Forest, or cycling to the nearest beach and swimming in the warm sea.

Fucking idyllic, but that world is gone.

3

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 3d ago

I don't know who Cave Johnson is so I had to imagine it being read by Dwayne Johnson which didn't really add anything.

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 3d ago

"... and that's how I got arrested by border control."

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 4d ago

I stumbled across I Love Stealing From Woolies by Elektronik Girl Epic today.

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 4d ago

I was a fan of Alabama 3 back in the late 90s. Small band, in the UK. I used to go to as many of their gigs as I could, usually in small clubs, pubs, side-stages at festivals. They released this fantastic album: 'Exile on Coldharbour Lane' (which is still on my rotation a quarter of a century later). Hoping they do well, because they're awesome.

Then I got a contract gig in early 2000, in the US. Started figuring out US TV. There's this new show, called the Sopranos which I've heard good things about. Put it on. Fucking hell, that opening theme tune! It's the same band i used to see in venues that could barely hold 50 people! Mind blown, but so happy that they'll have earned a shitton of money!

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 4d ago

Chosen the wrong knife to carve that. missing the point

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 5d ago

I'm all good. This was just a comment for shits and giggles.

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 5d ago

I was proposing a hypothetical thing to say to a hypothetical boss who hypothetically inflicted such a commandment.

Don't worry about me, I'm a self-employed consultant working three days a week and now winding down to my retirement with a bunch of low stress side-hustles. But I appreciate the concern. I hope your weekend is surprisingly full of joy and wonder!

1

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 6d ago

Oh, yeah, forgot your second point, but that was true of the contractor we went with too!

2

Hossenfeffer @feddit.uk 6d ago

I mean, I don't disagree with the sentiment, but usually the last thing they shot is dead by this point. I think they'd do ok.