It's very late and I probably shouldn't be typing comments to important matters, but I'm not known for good decisions so here we go...

When my head was filled with suicidal thoughts and things like that, what helped me was to view myself less as a continuous being. The person I was a decade ago is so different from the person I am now that I consider him dead. The person I will be a few years from now will be someone different again. So either way the me that was in pain got the end he wanted, just this way he didn't deny the current me my existence. (For which I'm grateful.) He only had to endure a few years, not the whole lifetime of the body. Some might think that a negative way of looking at things, but it did really make it easier to keep going.

Also, it's good to keep in mind that even if all the negative "This and that will never happen." thoughts were true, the next you might have a very different attitudes towards them. I am just as alone as the previous me was, but where it caused him emotional and existential turmoil to the point of physical pain, to me it just... doesn't really matter. I'm able to be content, at times even happy, despite it. Something the previous me thought an impossibility. Even if some things might not change, you will. And sometimes there's a cat.

Anyways, I'm glad you are trying things. Reading, going outside and whatnot. Even if they don't bring you as much joy or fulfilment as you might want, the new experiences and thoughts might help with the growth of the next you. If I may make a suggestion, journaling could be a nice addition to the list. Not a diary, but occasionally writing down thoughts and things you think a future you specifically could find interesting. It's something I wish I had done more. I remember how I saw the world and myself to a degree, but I don't understand why. As I never wrote it down, and past me's thinking feels too alien to guess reasons for now, in hindsight.

I don't know if any of this personal experiences bullshit is helpful or interesting to you, I doubt it, but as you pointed out I don't know you. But I know myself, and so I figured I'd write down some thoughts that I wish the past me had thought about a little earlier than he did. In any case, I wish you luck in your battles and that things will get better soon. Since, at least in this moment, I do genuinely care. I need not know you to feel that way, it's enough to know there is a person out there who feels broken. I've unlocked the superpowers of basic empathy, I suppose.

Good night.